getting my whimsy back
The thing I have been focusing on this year the most is myself. I’ve never done that before, I always didn’t think I was worth it or I just didn’t make it a priority. But you need to make it a priority. While this year has had some really challenging times, some of the worst days I’ve ever had; I have always tried to keep myself grounded in who I want to be. Who I want to be is someone who unapologetically lives and fundamentally understands who I am. I have been in survival mode for more than half of my life, and I feel like I am slowly getting it back.
I think for me the biggest part of wanting to get my whimsy back is that my childhood was tainted with trauma and loneliness. I didn’t get that fairy princess whimsical life, I didn’t ever have the childhood innocence and nativity. While this is something I am mourning now, I want to make my life now everything I never got to experience. While those traumatic experiences are no longer in control of me, they will always be with me, that I cannot change. I can however choose what I do with my life moving forward.
I am purchasing little trinkets and toys I never got to fully enjoy, I guess in an attempt to make my life feel innocent and naive. I think for me that is what’s happening, and honestly I couldn’t be happier about it. People my age are having children, getting married, buying houses, and living by the traditional ideas of what adulthood is. While I am getting jellycats, pokémon cards, popmart figures and cute trinkets. In a way this is my attempt at finding joy in things which aren’t always socially acceptable for my age. I am trying to I guess reclaim my childhood in a way, and I truly think this is the best way to heal. All I am trying to do now is heal myself, including relaxing my nervous system and just being able to breathe. I also think moving back in with my parents and not having any real responsibility is really allowing me to reclaim my own life, and make memories here that aren’t shrouded in misery. That is a way I am getting my whimsy back.
